sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
