My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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