Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
