If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
