Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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