He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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