I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
