Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
