I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
