There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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