When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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