You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
