I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
