My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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