if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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