where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
