its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
