I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
