Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
