yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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