She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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