Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I want a musical about memes.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
