Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
