Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
