Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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