I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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