That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
