I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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