I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
