After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
