New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
