You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
