Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
