i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
