Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You are the jesus of drinking
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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