i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
