I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
