his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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