onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
My ass is underappreciated
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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