your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
