please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
