Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
