i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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