bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
