I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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