Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Moan for me like Helen Keller
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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