guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Drake has all the answers
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
