a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
