I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
