Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
